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Thursday, April 7, 2005
well here i am with 10 mins to spare before im off to class. So nothing has changed well i lie some things have changed..
1)I have now found out that i can't graduate in may because my advisors thought that i was pre-health this whole time so i have been taking classes that i didnt need instead of the ones i was supose to. And i can't really lie to ya i can graduate in may if my professor lets me take 152 over the summer but i dotn see that happening..
2) i have noticed when you are single and your friends or not that they dont care about you as much well some of them. They are to far up the other ones butt to know that your not there.. well i guess im starting to grow up and i realized i don't really need these people to survive but i will sit back and watch there doom because they will never last.
3)School grades are doing well for a change hehehe. I got my ass in gear. not that i care.. i wanted to go to graduate school and not i have decided that its not worth the money i want to be a wife and a mother and i want to do it before my mother did. I want to be the COOOOOL mom but still strict.. But i got to find the guy to give me my kids.... any takers
4) My Father is doing well. I mean he has its ups and downs but the funny thing is he can tell my mom off now and its great .. i don't think she knows what to do .. heheheh getting back at ya mom ..
5) on the Mom note she needed surgery then she didn't then she did.. so we are now waiting to see what is going on ... i just keep telling herer to get the surgery it would make things 10 times better and plus its out of the way.
6) Well today i'm leaving for PA and i won't be back till sunday and it will be a very relaxing trip.. i can't wait for classes to be over today ... MIKE HERE I COME AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!!
time is up folks to will write in this in about 3 months ..jk jk i will try to find time to write in it more often
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Well my life is crazy as always. I don't know if I'm coming or going. And at times I'm glad this is how it is then i don't have to really deal with what i call REALITY. What reality is is that my life feels like its in shambles. My father is still in the hospital after 3 weeks and he is getting better he will never be normal. He may even die from the disorder he has so, my faith has down shifted to why me. My mother is so stressed about the situation I'm trying to keep her happy and smiling.
I'm taking only 13 credit hours this semester and I'm thinking of dropping them all and with drawing i just don't know how to handle them right now and how to handle life. My classes aren't extremely hard they just take up a lot of my time and since ans you can tell I'm depressed it takes up to much time. i don't have enough time just to sit and cry to myself or sulk in my own misery. Most people would think that is a good thing me on the other hand thinks its bad.
Then on the guy note you know how you like that one special guy but there is no way in hell you will ever get him and the worst part is hes one of your best friends that is always there for you. And it hurts you to be around him but you want to be around him. And the topper of all is that he has a girlfriend that is great and treats him right and they will probably end up together . So all you can do is dream about what you want and never get it . Instead you get all the losers that just want to fuck you and leave. o well welcome to my world.
well the worse part of the whole situation is you are afraid to tell people how you feel because of how they will react or respond to what you say. i feel that my friends are loyal but i don't know if they would understand or be supportive to what i want to do or even listen to my .. i know some of them won't the other will just try to change my fuckin mind. I just want some one there no mater what. i want some one to be behind me if if i fuck up. Date the wrong person and it turns in to a fight. i mean come on what can i do who can i be it feels like no mater what i do and feel some one is trying to run it. I'm tired of it . I'm tired of being me. I really don't want to be in the world but i also know that God put me here for a reason. i just want him to get his reason over with so i can get out of the drama and the bullshit i deal with inside. I hate life and if i wasn't scared of not dieing i would commit suicide but the thing is i tried that and as you can tell i didn't succeed very well i just failed again even though I'm always told that i didn't fail i suceeded because i got another chance at life to me thats failure. well i know who ever reads this will think I'm psycho and that i need counseling .. to late already getting it and as you can tell it doesn't fucking work well i better get to my useless class that all its going to do is depress me more yeah..
rest in peace everyone or pray that i do soon
Thursday, December 9, 2004
Well this is going to be a very short entry.. i just want to know .... If you had one christmas wish that you could have and this was the only thing you would get for christmas what would it be?
once i get other entries i will tell you mine.. Love ya All
Monday, November 22, 2004
Well haven't written in a while. Figured i would say whats going on in my life. Not that they are important.
First off of course school is killing me. I just cant wait till this semester is over. I don't want to come back but i know that would be stupid. I'm just really burnt out right now. i have a year left and i don't know if i'm going to make it.. it seams forever away.
On the guy note .. of course i'm always confused and always with another guy i mean come on no guy wants to stick around long enough or i don't want to stay with them long enough to get to attached .. What can i say i'm afraid of commitment.. surprise! surprise! and of course the guys i want to commit to wont do it .. there is always some issue that keeps them away .. i guess i will be single forever but i guess thats not so bad i don't have to share that way right.
on the family note mom and dad are doing well but my extended family seams to always be dying .. i have a cousin that had terminal cancer and a great uncle that is on his death bed. A funeral always helps some one who's down on them selves.. NOT!!
well since this is really going nowhere i will let you guys that read this get back you your lives.
To my friends I Love you and thanks for being there for em though this rough time
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
So i havent written in this in a while and i have so much to tell but i dotn have time to tell it all so we wil see where this goes.
Well i will start out as say that im dating a very sweet sesitive guy that i love to death .. I LOVE YA MATT.. my school work is overwelming at tiems and its only the second week it can only get worse .. Apo is jsut starting up so life will get most stressful but if u know me i strive off of stress. MY friends are great at tiems .. yes they aggrvate me but o well thats life.... Im broke as a joke and need money. but o well.. I will be 21 in about a week and that will be nice just to get this birthday out of the way .. its not liek i can have to much fun i meant i have 2 tests the monday after it.. but i am still having a party and im stil drinking alittle and im going to relax with friends. if you want to come to it halla at me and i will tell you when and where to be..
the family issue is still having problems. all the illnesses and stress around the house i soemtimes dotn want to go home but i love my family to much not to i mean come on they have been there for me though it all..
I want to thank everyone thats there for me though everythign .. i love you guys and jsut remember if u need anythign im here for ya ..
well thats all for now its about my bed tiem i knwo thats sad but hey i got to get shit done and this is the way to do it.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Well every day seams the same .. its like the saying same shit different day.. and i dont mean this with just work i mean it with life.. everyday some one gets mad about soemthing and everyday its seams like i cant get something right.. Cant we all just be mature and talk about things i mean come on.. i dont know maybe one day i will learn that people arent the type to talk they are the type to get pissed tell you off then run to there corner and hide.. i rather people just state im pissed off and i want to tell u why. and then tell me why. And when i respond to why they are mad them listen to me and try to understand me but that doesnt work.. i know im not a perfect person and i know i dotn wnat to me i just wish at times that people are so hypicrical and so arguementive .. but i guess that is life.. its confusing and over welming at times but everyone can get through it if they try hard enought.. A quote that i think kinda goes with this is : One makes Mistakes: That is life but it is never a mistake to have loved.. By Romain Rolland
well to update on other stuff. my intern ship is almost done thank GOD.. i went to the hospital this weekend to do rounds with the Pa-C and the Dr and well satuerday i was there 13 and half hours i though i was goign to die and the sunday i was there 6 hours.. we saw the say people both days ( well except the ones we discharged) and i learned alot. i was very tiring though..
on the other fronts my dad is having good days and bad. who knows what will happen .. i just hope that he relizes that I Love Him More then ANYTHING in the world.. Mom is still frusterated and stress because of the whole deal .. its alot to take care of him.(esplicially on bad days) but we will get though it we are a tough family and life will live on
Apo well other then the normal Ryan and Andy drama i really have gotten much. We sent out the letters and we are wait on reponses. Andy told me that he made a mistake on soem of the adresses and is goign to re send them out.. o well hes human too cant blame him for that...
ANd to end this journal with a quote to ponder on ; And the Trouble is, If you don't risk anything, you risk even more ~Erica Jong
Friday, June 11, 2004
This week has been hell for me everything seams to be going wrong.. I try to make everythign right and it doesnt..
My dad is getting worse no matter what my mother says and i think that we will have to stick him in a home.. i dotn want to see my dad there .. I love him to much and i dont think its right but mom cant handle him any more its makeing her crazy which makes me crazy and mean. then in top of that my finacial situation has gotten worse and i dont know where to turn or what to do .. its so bad that i had a bill for 5 dollars and i cant pay it so i will have to pay it late but what else can i do unless i start to shit money .. and that wont happen..
i have screamed at all of my friends latly and told them how horrible they are.. when they did nothing wrong its just me.. and no this is not PMS i think that my brian is just tired of trying to figure out all the problems in my life... im to the point i dont give a shit about life any more im just trying to get though it and not kill my self in the process
all i do is cry i have done it 3 night in a row just started to cry over little things for example .. i cryed because ryan told me katie .. i act like its a big deal.. i cryed of my 5 dollar bill that i cant pay.. i cryed because i couldnt find my flip flop ect.. i just need a fucking vacation and i dotn knwo where to go how to get there and we all know i dont got money ..
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL !!!!!
well i think i am done bitching for now i will probaly be back and bitch some more soon ..
And to all my friends that have gotten my wrath .. IM SORRY .. I Swear its no you its me ( heheh had to use the corry phrase to make soemthign happy in the journal)
Saturday, June 5, 2004
Well i have been pretty busy latly.. Running around like a chicken with her head cut off. So i will try to summ my last few weeks up.
Well im guessing you all want to hear how michigan was. well it was really good.. I have a good time meeting all of ryans relitaives and laughing at him while he was drunk.. the wedding was very nice.. and his brother seamed nervous but he got though it..
with all the weddigns i been to this year i dont knwo if i want to get married so many things have to go on to get it doen .. we all know i will one day but im not sure if i really want to any time soon.
I started work/ intership on June first that was fun.. i only have 3 hours of interning but all the rest of the week was work so that was good .. i need money
i got intouch with an old friend that i havetn talk to in about 3 years. We went out to dinner the other night jsut to catch up on what has happened and of cousre my life is drama city so he problay thought i would never shut up. but we decied taht we would have to do it agian sometime and not let our friendship fall to the wayside like it did before..
WEll last night jenn and amber( a friend of hers) and i went to easton to see harroy potter 3 .. which was a lot of fun.. the movie is good not what i expected but good.. we all 3 got hit on by some guys i jsut laughed .. i think its funny.
well now i dotn really know what to say about everythign else going on its jsut a bunch of mumbo jumbo shit .. all i know is i wish i could go drinking to night.. but i got to run update u soon
Monday, May 24, 2004
OK this is going to be short and sweet.. my emotions are runnign hay wire and my best friend in the whole world ( my coz mike) just told me that there is a possability that he might be moving out of the country.. and that i then i wouldnt get to see him much.. i cant live with out mike he is likemy back bone. he helps em out with all my guy problems .. which we all knwo i have tons of . he teaches me things that i should already know and i dotn becuse im a blond and well hes liek a brother to me. I will miss him so much ..
on top of that i got in a fight with my mom today about stupid crap agian.. im feel lonly and drpressed and that life is going nowhere..
the ryan situation is starting to get to me and i feel bad becuase its not his falt and i think im taking it out on him and im tryign not to and i hope he knows that.. I talked tohim tonight and told him how i felt and i told him he didnt have to respond if he didnt wnat to and he didnt so that makes me feel happy and upset at the same time. i wanted him to respond but i didnt.. i wanted to hear everything is alright dotn worry but i know that wouldnt come out of his mouth so i didnt wnat him to respond... we will see if anything happens.. im going to meet his family this weekend at the weddign so hopfully that goes well .. who knows
well im heading to bed to try to end this day that sucks ass tell u about everythign else in my life later
love ya all
ps the song monica right here waiting for u .. resembles my life figured that out today too grrrrr
Friday, May 21, 2004
Ok.. I promised Tim i would tell all my friends who he was and how wonderful he is so here i go..
Tim is a wonderful person that is always there for me when i need him.. no matter how drunk he is or how drunk i am.. he is a caring compassionate person that knows how to have fun..
Hes also very very Cute.. And i mean datable cute.. He has been there for me for about 4 years now and i want to thanks him for it.. he understand that im a cyco bitch and just laughs when im acting stupid..
He has gone through some trials and tribulations but u know what hes a strong person and always knows to call his friends when some one wants to kick his ass.. hahaha jk Tim .. He can stand his own ground..
Just to let everyone know Tim is Single and looking for some one like me ! hehehehe so if u are a cyco bitch and are decent looking tell me and may be we can hook u up .. oh yeah did i for get to mention he live in North Dekota most of the year .. Hes in Penn about a month out of the year..
Tim thanks for all your support and all the caring that u do and next time we get together we will have to drink and talk bad about the opposite sex like normal..
I LOVE YA TIM
Thursday, May 20, 2004
have u ever had a day where nothing goes how u want it to and everything u say seams to come out wrong.. Or no one believes u. That is today. I deciced that im going to say fuck everything.. for the next todays its jenn time i try my damnest to make others happy but my self and i think right now im the most important thing in this world .. And i know that sound conceeded but i dotn care.i guess one of these days i will learn that im supose to be the perfect person im not and then i wont piss everyone off . o well i will leave u with this
Until we learn whichever life lesson we'er ment to at the time -self-acceptance,self-determination,self-disipline, self-esteem,self-forgiveness,self-interest,self-knowledge,self-respect,self-sufficiency or self-worth- our lessons will keep coming back to us. by Ssarah Ban Breathnach
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
well i havent updated everyone on how sucky my life has been so here it is.. im in the process of trying to find an apartment .. i cant handle home any more my father who is is and i love him to death takes advantage of what my mom and i do for hime .. he thinks we are his slaves and let me tell u im no ones slave and will never be.. so i cant stand this stupid ness.. me and mom are getting along for now but that will change soon i can tell..
I start my job on june 1st and i cant wait to.. i know that sounds weird but i neeed to do something im so board sitting here all day and doing nothign be watching my dad fall out of his chair everyu 10 mins i cant handle that .. this is why i think im never getting married and checking my self in to a mental ward i wouldnt have to worry about another person and only my self i know that sounds selfish and i dont mean it to but i have so much stress on my plate right now i cant handle any more..
well i jsut got back from georga i went to support jenn .. That is drama city down there too. all it was was a bunch of miscommunication and the weddning ened up good after all the drama it caused.. im never want to do that agian...
well my internship should be starting soon and im supose to take a class this summer but who knows if that will happen now so o well.. i jsut have a lot on my plate and i dotn knwo if i can handle it all while im PMSing..
Well the ryan deal .. i dotn knwo ask him he will tell u.. i have decided that im not goign to poen my mouth because when i do things back fire.. so im jsut going to learn to smile and nod and answer questions that is the plan at least .. ( as u can probaly tell that we are arguing right now.. all i want to know is what is going on in our relationship and if there will be/ is one ..)
well i think im going to smoke a cig and pull my hair out trying to figure out what to do tonight so im not board out of my mind.. if you would like to call my cell to talk to me you are more then welcome to.. i will talk ..
love ya all
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Well i should be studying for exams and guess what im not doing it right this second..
I just wanted to tell ppl whats going on in my life.. Not that anyone really cares..
this is my life:
Well i have my final exams this week. this is hell just to let you know .. im tired of school so i dont want to study an of course i have to ..
I have a modeling interview thusday the 29th at 8 pm in cincinnatti. Im very nervous about it..it the first job i have gotten in 2 years and i really dont know what to do.. all i know is that i have to walk on a runway and talk to a lady named Maria. I just hope it goes well...
I bought a new car today and im traiding in my old one. im kinda sad to get rid of my car i love it but its getting up there on miles and i have to give it up some time..
Oh last but defentlay not least... the guy front.. i dont know whats going on and i dont know that im that worried about it.. i figure it this way .. i liked our relationship how it was and it didnt bother me but he wants to change it so be it .. im not goign to argue i will be his friend or his girlfriend.. (preferably his girlfriend but i cant make that decision) we will see what happens we are both to busy to really think about it or talk about it..
My parents are very good and they are living life when they can.. they are tryig to get me through school so that is hard..
well i better try to study now but i cant seam to focus on that im trying to get everytihng out of my mind.
love ya all
Sunday, April 25, 2004
ok this journal is all about how i fucked up the other day. i would appriciate not rude comments about it..
and if there is alot of spelling mistakes im sorry i might start to cry!!
well any way on with what happened ...
Jenn S. Carlos and I were watching movies and drinking nothing to big well then i got the bright idea that i wanted to smoke and call ryan to see if he was ok and what he was up too.. ( by this time im pretty tipsy). so i call him and he doesnt answer. so i finished my cig then jenn carlos and i started to talk and andy joind the convorsation.. i then preceeded to call ryan agian to see if he would answer there was no answer.. then i smoke another cig .. during this time carols some how stole my phone and called ryan and left a voice mai. THen jenn got the phone frome carlos and called ryan and yes she left a voicemail.. i then called him back to appolige and the phone was turned off and i remember leaving a voice mail about a blow job.. i then ran to my room to see where ryan was. HIs away message was that he was in bed so that kinda upset me that he didnt wnat to talk to me so i left him a im that said. "i love how u when u are drunk want to talk to me and cuddle but when im drunk and wht to talk to u u fucking go to bed i wonder how that makes me feel .. LIKE SHIT ... thanks alot"
i then went back down stairs to drink more and smoke.. WE pissed around for a while. and then andy and i went up to my room and jenn and carlose went to his.. we were giveing them privocy for sex .. andy and i jsut turned on the tv and sat down and talked ..i then decied to write in ryans on line journal.. the comments that i stated in it were jsut comments that i was pulling out of my ass.i was upset at this point at carlos and jenn for leaving him voice mails and i was startign to cry so for some stupid reason when i was drunk the only journal i could think of was ryans. then i get an im that carlos is mad at jenn. so andy and i go to the breezway to find carlos. Andy Carlos and i all talked about the situation and we calmed him down .. we then went to carlos' room and put on a movie.. we sat and watched it for about an hour then we all got hungry so we went to taco hell.. then we all passed out in my room and woke up the next morning..
So this is how i fucked up:
Ryan will not talk to me now and i stared to cry about it last night.. I pissed him off really bad and i have lost all that i had with him. IM extreamly upset that this happened .. and if i could would turn back time to correct it.. I LIKE RYAN A LOT AND I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM.. but i did ! or at least that is how i feel..
but i need to focus on school work if that is possable .. talk to you all later
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Ok so life is a confusing thing i know this from experence.. but why is it when u are trying to make things Right when they are wrong some one bitchs and when thing are wrong some one bitchs and that no one can ever just be happy.. i know people can get in to moods and have a bad day and what not but does everyone have to take it out on everyone else. And all this does is make a chain of bad moods .. i think that is why this world is so fucked up.. that and we have stupid people that put there nose where it doesnt belong because they like to piss people off..
I also want to know how do u know who your true friends are .. how do u know if u can trust them.. see i give every one chances because i know everyone fucks up its human nature but where is the line.. people tell me that i shouldnt be friends with this person or that and others are like just let go of the issue.. who do i believe? Im just trying to cut the drama in my life which i know i cant do real well because i like some drama it makes life intersting..
on the Apo note .. im prez agian and i think people hate that .. Not that i really care that much. but its still something that will effect my last year as prez but i can deal with it.
On everything else in my life.. Ryan im attached even though we arent official and i care for him alot but i wonder sometimes what i should do..
on the school note .. ITS ALMOST OVER THANK GOD.. Im getting decient grades so far now lets see what my finals do to me..
I relaly dont know how to get my feelings out they are all bundled in a ball in my head and very confusing and very weird .. but that is me.. and yes i admit i am a psyco bitch that need to get a life at times but u know thats the way i like it and im not changing .. i might put my foot in my mouth and i might piss people off but u know what if u dont want to know the answer then dont ask the question or if u dotn want to be around me then dotn ... i dotn force u too..
but i will write in this later when i can clear my head and get all my emotions out on the subject that are in my head..
time to find soem of my friend to go out with ..
Saturday, April 17, 2004
I was thinking!! Surprize Surprize!
What is love?
How do u know when u are in love?
And how do u obtain love or is it somethign that cant be obtained ?
just questions for people to answer to help me in my journey in life..
So school is starting to come to a close and its crazy around here.. Homework and friends take up like all my time.. i feel that i dont get jenn time at times but its cool im not getting depressed as much so thats good..
Im getting closer to some friends and moving away from others which is really weird. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. All i can do is accept it . I just hope that i get closer to friends that will be there for me forever and not loose the ones that are there for me all the time.. its a hard decision at times but as i said in a previous journal entry im not perfect and i will just have to live with the decision.
My dad got a new scooter wheelchair. Its so cool. I have a new lazy way to get around the house when hes not using it .. hehehehe im a mean person at times stealing my dads wheelchair i know..
Andy and i are finally on terms where we both understand that the relationship is over and that friends are what we are better at.. i know people disagree with me on this issue but this is my opinion so fuck off. We have been helping each other out with the relationship that we both are trying to find/getting in to. Its nice to have friend to talk to it about that doesnt always give there opinion on everything u say, or tries to beat your story all the time..
The frat ...... what can i say but its going to be hard if i dont get prez this next year .. i have to admit if i dont get it i might not be in because i know me and i will make peoples lives hell. and i dotn want to hurt my friends like that. i think i will feel like i did so much work but no one gives a damn and i also feel that if we dont find some one strong enough for the position the frat will go to hell.. now dont get me wrong we have some good caneidates but i think im the best ( had to toot my own horn as jenn 02 would say) but thats the frats decision.
well the RYAN ISSUE... I dont understand him at times.. like today he was tring to write ryans property on my body but.. am i ? what is the rules of this relationship?... Am i his or can i date around? i jsut dont understand .. we arent exclusive but if i talk about another guy he get the jealous look .( which is adorble for u all to know). He keeps telling me he and his roommates feel hes getting the short end of the deal. What is the long end of deal? i dont know AHHH it makes me CRAZY. But i know one thing im not going to worry about it to much im just going to go as the flow goes and well enjoy what have for how long i have it. its not like im marrying him or anything ..
OH yeah and for the people that dont know me or new me in the past. Your not in my life for a reason so stay out of it .. i dont want u in it . i dont want u around it . or to know it .. so you all need to go fuck your selves in the ass and die.. (and this is a good day for me so i can get mean ) If u have any questions on if i want u in my life ask i will tell the truth.. One person i want all the way out of my life is RYAN KERNS ... YOU ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE FUCKING WORLD AND U TAKE THE OXYGEN THAT I COULD BREATH .. YOU WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING... AND FOR YOUR BITCH KEEP HER NOSE OUT OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS .. SHE DONT KNOW ME, SHE WONT KNOW ME AND SHE DOESNT NEED TO ...
Now its food , shower and homework time before i go out tonight with one of my bestest girls in the world I LOVE YOU MAYA!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
So i have been depressed latly. I couldnt figure out why and now i think i have. See i feel unwanted. all my friends tell me how wonderful there day is and how they are going to do this with this person and or going to do that with that person. And im happy for them but i feel that the only thing im good for is smiling.. see all my friends make me smile and make me happy at times but i feel its only to bitch.
(I get happy when i have peoples problems even though it pisses me off how stupid it is at times). But latly people have been saying things that really hurt but dont realize that they hurt...
but i will get off that subject.. the new subject is Ryan (Surprize Surprize).. Well i feel that Ryan will never ask me out.. its been almost 2 months since we have been talking and everytime the subject comes up he blames andy well guess what ANDY IS NO LONGER IN THE PICTURE. Im just tired of debating the issue .. im tired of being depressed over it and im tired of worrying about it.. i just want to know if this is going anywhere other then what it is .. ITs not that im not happy with what it is but i would like to know if it will progress.. and from what it sounds it wont .. when i told him that i would be mad if 2 of my friends got together before we did .. he stated why should i ask u out i have all the stress and shit like a relationship.. no affence that hurt .. so i wish he would make up his mind.
well i got to go to bed because i have to get up early to go get beautiful( hair appt) talk to ya all soon
Monday, April 5, 2004
Well the last month has been intersting off and on and u have heard most of it but I cant even start to decribe it..
Well I dont know who my friends are and who arent any more. one minute they act like they are there for me and the next they leave and push me in the cold..
Some of them talk behind my back and then deny what they say.. what the fuck .. who are my friends .. do i have any other then my one friend that is there no matter what i want and what i need.. she doesnt even live on campus and shes there for me. I mean come on ppl STOP THE FUCING DRAMA.. i cant handle it.
I mean with all the school work i have and all the other things in my life i dont need drama ..
the guy i want to date still wont be my boyfriend because of how i act toward andy and i dotn knwo how to change. I want to but i dont know what he wants to how to even start to change. So How can i.. i mean i dotn have a lot of ppl to hang out with and when i wnat to do soemthing Andy is always there because hes like me doesnt have a life.. So i call on him.. IS that a bad thing?
well other things in my life is that my friend laura is upset at a man that needs to get a fucking life. He needs to stop hurting her and tell her whats going on. but im always there for her.. other then that i really havent talk to to many ppl latly .. i have been woring about ryan and if he is ok with his illness.. my dad has been acting weird to i have been worring about him and everything just feels like its going to shit. I really havent slept much and im past tired but i and so tired that im not tired.. when i do fall asleep i have been having nightmares and i wake up.. so im a little bitchy at times .. i have been arguing with everyone latly and im sorry for that.. im just under alot of stress and im trying not to take it out on ppl and im doing my best...
i found out that im the worst president in the world to my frat and im about just to give up trying on anything and i just want to scream but i cant .. but o well i will live and i will move on ..
on a happy note its almost easter break and i get to spend time with my family and see all of them.. and just to let everyone know that is intersted ... Ryan makes everything better when im with him.. i feel like my world has turned upside down i try not to think aobut my problems i do but not as much.. so thats good .. If things work out between us but im never sure of that.. but i have learned just take one day at a time... babysteps work
well go tot get back to studing unfortinaly..
Thursday, April 1, 2004
Well today was an intersting day.. i mean it doesnt seam like it would be all i did was go to classes and work. went out to eat with friends and talked to ryan the basic things i do everyday but it was different..
See i was thinking about things that i never think about.. Like who I am and what i truly want. And i realized that i really dont know.. See i put a face over me and make people think that i know what i want to do and how i want to do it but really im so confuses that i should be in a mental institution.
For example.. i was thinking of the Ryan situation.. Yes i do want to date him and Yes i am getting attached.. And Yes if it doesnt work out i will be upset. But i realized even if it doesnt i have a friend that i can depend on.. I thought about what i could change to change the situation to make him happier with me and realized its not all me. i admitt i havnt made his life real easy. and i admit i problay should think about his feelings toward Andy but i also realized i dont really tell him how i feel about everything... But im Human and i can do everything right or i would be perfect. That would be nice im not perfect and im glad.
on another note on ryan .. i feel really bad that i got him sick and now i have to pay for it.. i dont get to spend a weekend away from cap with him. he has to stay home and get better .. which is good but it makes me sad but i will live i will just have to see him sunday ..
well i have been alittle stressed latly i have 2 tests on monday and im not looking foward to i have to get at least a 70 % on my math test or i cant come back to cap and i really want to come back to cap.. and my micro test is just going to be a bitch.
on top of that i have been puting pressure on my self to figure out what grad schools i want to apply to becuase i have to start applying her in about a year and i havent really even started to look at the info that they are sending me.. i dont even know if i want to go to grad school any more.. after this month i dont think i want to go..
on the friends note im still really upset that my best friend is getting married on sat and im not invited. it just hurts. i know i just need to move on but its easier said then done.. i still wish her the best in life and love..
im very emotional at this time too and i want this shit to stop. i want to get my feelings undercontrol and stop being a cyco bitch.
Ok im confused and i dont know how to deal with it.Let me explain....
Im one of those ppl that are very needy.. i dont mean to be but when u are in my life i need you.. i get really depressed when im alone and i start to cry because i feel im the only one that cares even though i know thats not true . well im trying to stop that habbit by staying alone in my room for hours but all that does is make be depressed and want to leave this world and never come back .. but i really dont mean i .. i know i just need to go to a councler about it but this is a childhood thing that will take time to correct..
see as a child i was made fun of and now that i have friends that truly care i dotn wnat to lose them. so i try to shower them with material things and try to spend all my time with them to make them feel important but its makeing me feel important. I dont feel that my friends really want to spend time with me .. like i get on there nerves but no one tells me this.. its just a feeling. So i admitt when my friends spend time with others i get jealous and i feel unimportant and replaced and latly this has gotten worse.. I cant stop thinking of leaving this world and how no one would notice that i was gone.. i mean my childhood friends dont ever call me any more except when they are board or want something.. my friends at cap are around till some one else is around then they leave me.. i wish i didnt feel this way .. i want to be normal .. i want to feel loved or cared about by ppl when they arent around.
sorry to end on a depressiing note but i think you know what im doing (crying)
love ya
Jenn
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